6 Months

In college, my then-boyfriend made fun of me (in a nice way) for wanting to celebrate our six month anniversary. He teased, “anniversary, from the Latin ‘anno’ meaning YEAR.” I thought it was a special occasion, mostly because it was the first time I had dated anyone for more than 6 months. Ah, youth.

Thursday will mark six months since I quit my job. It is both a really long time, and not that long, kind of like how being 30 is both young and old.

This was not supposed to happen this way.

When I quit, I started applying for new jobs and getting interviews right away. When nothing happened, I said to my dad on the phone, “I didn’t expect them all to make me offers, but I didn’t think that nothing would work out.”

Still nothing. Six months later, I am temping and trying to scrape by on about 50% less than I was making before I quit, while working these crazy irregular hours. It’s the uncertainty that is the most torturous part. Not know when and if I will work again, not know how I will pay my bills each month.

I recently starting doing Bikram yoga, which I used to think was a horrible way to torture oneself by being in a room with lots of models in bikinis. This time around, it’s a lot more rewarding, and there are way more women who look like me in the room. One reason is that the classes are horribly hard, sweaty and brutal, but when they are over, you feel so great. You feel great because you made it. When I would go backpacking with my dad when I was a kid, I used to love getting to our campsite each night–when you hike all day and finally take off your pack, you feel like you are floating. Or like when I ran the Brooklyn half marathon for the first time, and I almost cried when I saw the Atlantic Ocean at Coney Island: I had made it. It was a glorious feeling.

This job search needs to end soon. The hardest part is that I can’t see the finish line. I don’t know when this is going to end. It’s deeply frightening. But when it does end, it will feel amazing, and six months will go back to feeling like no time at all.

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